Job search. This a scary word for anyone in the professional world (wink wink Happy Halloween).
For many people, it is one of the most stressful times of their careers. People often spend months looking for the job that they would be right for and often end up settling for something else because it is better than not having a job. Luckily for me, I had the unending support of Akash Bhalerao and the meticulous process he had crafted to get your dream job. With the knowledge, I had gained at Enterprise India Fellowship and my epic way of storytelling I was sure of myself and trusted in the process. And I had anticipated that for me too it would be a process that would take months. But life of course has different plans for you. 24th September marked my last day as a team member at Enterprise India Fellowship. My initial plan was to take a three-week break and then dive into the process. On 27th September I woke up to my worst nightmare. I lost my baby - Rio. I had never experienced loss so up close. Everything was over within a matter of an hour. I won't go into the details of it because LinkedIn is not the place for it. After coming back home that afternoon I had a feeling within me that there is no coming back from this. This was my one big 10. I spent the next day and a half in mourning. My parents allowed me to process my grief as I seemed fit. I did not want to get out of bed. On 29th September through some divine intervention, I opened my laptop. As fate would have it the last tab open was LinkedIn. I thought to myself - instead of mindlessly scrolling on Instagram why not mindlessly scroll on LinkedIn? And that's exactly what I did. I ended up updating my CV and my website. For some reason, it brought a smile to my face. And then I remembered what my mentor Aditya Jhunjhunwala says about your Body of Work - Your body of work will serve as your intrinsic motivation. And it truly did. Looking at my achievements and body of work through the last few years served some kind of therapeutic purpose for me. It made me feel in touch with my purpose. My lebensaufgabe. I felt more in touch with my passions. My life's mission. And that was my healing process. Over the next few days, I looked for jobs on Linkedin and followed the process by Akash. I kept the faith throughout. Mind you I was still grieving. I was still crying over the loss. But the process gave me the strength I didn't think I had. Something in me kept saying Rio is watching you do this and she is proud of you. And on 27th October, my efforts bore fruit. I am happy to announce that I have started the position as Content Associate at Amaha (formerly InnerHour). And it is my dream job. I did not settle. I will be working towards the cause of mental health. The cause I have always been passionate about. And I will be doing what I love the most - writing. My first day was on 29th October. Exactly a month after Rio's passing. For many people job search might be daunting and anxiety inducing. But for me it was a part of my healing journey. It taught me patience and made me see the good things in the darkest times of my life. It made me realise that in the darkest times light often comes from within.
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My mother found me crying profusely on my bed at 2 pm in the afternoon. I was lying on the bed in a curled up fetal position and letting out whimpering like a lost child. Mom got a little worried as she had not seen me cry like thisfor a very long time. She approached me gently and asked what was wrong. I refused to say anything but hugged her and let out loud sobs. Then she saw what I had clutched in my arms.
A copy of - The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini. A beautifully devastating book. I am compelled to write the emotions I felt after reading the book but I doubt my words would ever do justice to the mark this book has left on me. ( PS Some spoilers ahead. Proceed at your own risk). Letting go isn't hard. The hard part is convincing yourself that it is time to let go. To let go of your dreams, hopes and aspirations. But once you actually cut that cord life becomes one percent easier. You shed the rest of the 99 percent as a part of the process. A painful but necessary process.
I read somewhere that in order to rise from the ashes a phoenix must first burn. Setting yourself on fire isn't hard. What is hard is making up the mind to light the match. Many might ask what lead to this sudden cathartic post. The truth is these are just thoughts that keep replaying in my head. Writing them down is just another way of letting the repeatative thoughts go to make space for new positive thoughts. As an individual in the media industry, I constantly feel under pressure to keep polishing my creativity and put more creative stuff out there. But being creative is not the same as being hungry. A physical hunger can be satisfied with a meal, but a creative hunger of an artist is often termed insatiable. And this insatiable hunger brigs home our dear friend- Anxiety.
Being an artist comes with the constant scrutiny of putting new ideas and new stories to the public. But creative block is a very real thing am I right! Facing creative blocks can induce crippling anxiety and might even make you feel paralyzed. Your confidence takes a major hit. It is a vicious cycle of creative block and anxiety due to creative block which stops our brain even more from producing creative ideas. It seems inescapable. We begin to doubt our creative capabilities and question whether venturing into this stream of art was even a good option. And down comes our entire world as we spiral into a never ending loop of self loath and anxiety. A lot of this anxiety generates from fear. It can be the fear of restarting, fear of getting judged, fear of our message not reaching well etc. And slowly this fear starts manifesting itself in the form of inability to create. slowly turned into an internal battle and daily struggle to find peace in the moment. After a series of adapting unhealthy coping mechanisms, 2019 is the year I decided to face my demon head on. I decided to go for therapy. And it did help for a while. But soon, I was battling the same sleepless nights, constant breathlessness, nervous break downs and episodes of emptiness. I was back on my unhealthy patterns of coping. I threw myself in work and just avoided being alone with my thoughts.
It wasn't until midway into 2020 I decided to jump start my road to mental well being again. It was physically difficult to accept that I needed help. But acceptance is half battle won. I started going to therapy again. And the most brave thing I ever did, was sitting alone with my thoughts. Facing the demon is a big part of fighting it off. Up until now I had only found ways to dodge past it. But now was the time I opened my eyes and looked at it with wide open eyes. It was scary. It was very scary. Nobody tells you growing up that the monster you fear in the dark resides in your head itself. And facing that monster meant facing the dark and nasty parts of myself. And more importantly accepting and forgiving them. It is not a piece of cake. Still isn't. But each day is a battle won. I used to have days when it was difficult for me to even get up and go to the bathroom in the morning. Even existing felt like a burden and breathing would exhaust me. Sometimes those days return. But the only difference now is I refuse to give up. I refuse to give in to that voice inside my head that pushes me in a constant state of worry. I cultivated myself to become a creature of habit. Habits that are like my weapons of war. I didn't become funcxious overnight. It was a process. Still is an ongoing process. But every journey is different. And that is something I tell myself everyday. That my journey is different. It is unique in it's own way. And I have adapted habits that are customized to the path I have chosen for myself. So what works for me might not work for you. I still struggle a little bit. Even slack off some days. But there is always hope. So take what resonates and leave of all the rest. Stay tuned for more on my little practices and habits that I have adapted to fight off anxiety. Good night till then. Funcxiosly Yours, Mrunmayee Watch the video linked about to know more about my journey and joining me in a mission to create a world that cares about mental health. |
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